Monday's Action Step

Can you believe it's MONDAY of Christmas week?? Christmas is this Friday and here is your fourth Action Step leading up to it: HELP SOMEONE OUT!

We have a saying around here...and it goes like this: "Influence Your World." In the middle of someones crisis is where we believe we have the best opportunities to do just that.

Yesterday, we looked at the fact that pain is REAL...especially right here at the holidays. One of the surest AND healthiest ways to deal with our own pain is to help other's deal with theirs. Before moving forward, let us encourage you of this: If you're really struggling with emotional pain of any kind and it has you paralyzed, please check out yesterday's Action Step before you read today's, cause today builds on yesterday. Also, know that if you need help, we are here.

Here are a few practical steps to help you help others dealing with pain...in no particular order.

LISTEN - We all like to talk, however, when someone opens up, just be quiet. Do not be afraid of the awkward silence, the tears, the questioning, or the sobs. They need an ear, not a fix. They are not a project, they are hurting, and that is okay...and normal.

CONTACT THEM - We tend to think that hurting people want to be alone, and many times hurting people tell us that they do want to be alone. However, we are MADE for community and connection. Pick up the phone and call them or text them, regularly. Make contact and position yourself beside them, even if you can't physically be with them, there is nothing wrong with being a phone call away.

SERVE THEM - Action speaks loudly and both our presence and our actions are remembered by those who are at their lowest. Do something NOW. You know your friends, and you know what they like. Bake that cake, go buy those cookies, send the flowers, take them lunch, clean their house, do the laundry, take them to do something they enjoy...big or small, whatever it is, do it.

ACKNOWLEDGE HOW BAD IT IS - There is something special that happens when someone is pouring their heart out and the listener just agrees with them that their situation sucks. Make sure they know that they have permission to feel whatever emotion they are feeling, even if it is different from the emotion you felt in a similar situation.

CONNECT THEM - If they do need help that you can not offer (knowing when you're in over your head is wisdom), or you know of someone who has experience with what they are facing, ask if you can connect them so that they can talk more and find experienced wisdom and counsel. You're not their savior, you're their friend. Connect them to what they need and, if you can, offer to go with them.

IF RELEVANT, TELL YOUR STORY - Experience is the greatest teacher, and we connect by it. If you have experience, share what you've learned, guide them, tell them your wisdom...not in a way of fixing, but in a way or caring. If their dad died and your's did too in years past, remind them of that. Then when they are ready, and trust me, it will happen, they will ask how you dealt with it. Now you have been invited in. Don't say I know how you feel" unless you truly and intimately do, but when you say something like this, it connects better: "Man, I know, my mom died a few years back, I know the pain I felt (and still do) was real and it was hard, and whatever and however you feel, I'm here." Then be quiet and let what happens just happen.

PEPPER THEM WITH LOVE - The days after a funeral is usually the loneliest moments in the grieving process. The "work" has faded away, the house is empty, the flowers sit in the living room, everyone has gone home, and the new normal begins to set in. Be the friend that continues to sprinkle in your presence consistently over these times as well.

MAKE THEM LAUGH - Sadness and joy are intertwined...and just cause someone is hurting does not mean that they can not smile. Joy, laughter, smiling...all that releases endorphins. A healthy mix of careful, sensitive joy mixes well with sadness.

JUST BE - Be calm. Be present. Be steady. Be a shoulder. Be there. Just be.

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY - When we don't know what to say, sometimes this thing called Word Vomit happens. Slow down, sometimes, many times, all they need is an "I love you" and for you to be your normal self in a sensitive way. Their world just got rocked, and they need the normal, trusted love you always give. Turn up the love, not the meaningless, cliche platitudes.

HOW CAN I HELP? - "Let me know if you need anything" is the go to line in times when we don't know what else to say. And while there isn't anything wrong with that, make them tell you what they need by replacing that statement with "How can I help?" When they answer, and you may have to ask every day for a few days, do what they asked of you...with excellence and with care. Don't be afraid to tell them "I need you to tell me what I can do to help you." If they legitimately do not know, then your simple PRESENCE is what they NEED.